The onion news in brief

A classic! Here are some fictional news headlines from The Onion:

National

• "Nation Horrified By Graphic Video of Politician Keeping Campaign Promise"
• "Area Man Still Unable to Find Job Despite Having 12 Different Degrees"
• "New Study Reveals Most People Would Rather Watch Paint Dry Than Listen to Politicians"

World

• "Russia Accused of Hacking into World's Supply of Free Wi-Fi"
• "North Korea Threatens to Nuke Neighboring Countries Unless They Agree to Watch 'The Great Dictator' Together"
• "United Nations Holds Emergency Meeting to Address Global Shortage of Avocado Toast"

Business

• "Economy Grows at Record Pace, Mostly Due to Increased Spending on Cat Videos"
• "New Study Reveals Most People Would Rather Spend Money on Experiences Than Stuff"
• "Area Man Still Unable to Afford Health Insurance Despite Having 'Good Job'"

Sports

• "Local Man Still Unable to Understand Rules of Fantasy Football"
• "NFL Player Suspended for 3 Games for 'Excessive Celebrating'"
• "Area Woman Still Unable to Find a Sports Team to Root For"

Technology

• "New App Allows Users to Order Food, But Only If They're Willing to Wait 45 Minutes"
• "Area Man Still Unable to Figure Out How to Use New Smartphone"
• "Google Announces New Feature: 'I'm Feeling Stupid Today' Button"

Entertainment

• "New Movie 'The Emoji Movie' Breaks Box Office Records, Mostly Due to Confusion"
• "Area Man Still Unable to Find a Movie He Likes"
• "New TV Show 'The Bachelor' Revealed to be Secretly a Reality Show About the Human Condition"

I hope these made you chuckle!