Spin news

Here's a spin on the news:

Breaking:

• The latest research suggests that eating an entire pizza by yourself is not only a personal achievement, but also a key indicator of a healthy and balanced lifestyle.
• A new study has found that the average person can now survive for up to 3 days without showering, thanks to the wonders of dry shampoo and a strong sense of self-acceptance.
• In a shocking turn of events, the world's most popular social media platform has announced that it will now prioritize posts that feature cats over those that feature humans.