P yes news update

Here's a fake news update for you:

BREAKING:

• The world's largest pizza has been stolen from a museum in Italy. The 10,000-pound pie was on display as part of an art exhibit and was valued at over $1 million.
• A group of rogue squirrels has been causing chaos in a small town in the US by stealing food from residents' gardens and yards. The squirrels have been identified as the "Squirrelini Gang" and are believed to be led by a particularly cunning squirrel named Nutmeg.
• A new species of giant, talking eggplant has been discovered in a remote jungle in South America. The eggplant, named "Eggberta," is said to be able to communicate with humans and has already been offered a book deal.
• A group of scientists has made a breakthrough in the field of teleportation, successfully transporting a small object from one location to another without moving it physically. The team is now working on scaling up the technology to teleport larger objects.
• A new study has found that eating too much cheese can cause people to become more aggressive and irritable. The study's lead author has warned that the effects of excessive cheese consumption can be "devastating" for relationships and social interactions.

And that's the news for today!