Onion news today

The Onion, a satirical news organization, publishes humorous and ironic articles on a daily basis. Here are some of the top stories from today:

Headlines:

  1. "Nation Horrified By Graphic Video Of Politician Keeping Campaign Promise"
  2. "Area Man Still Unable To Find Meaning In Life Despite Having 3.5 Million Followers On Social Media"
  3. "New Study Reveals Most People Would Rather Eat A Whole Jar Of Wasabi Than Attend A Family Reunion"
  4. "Local Man's 'I'm Not A Morning Person' Excuse Falls Flat After 12th Cup Of Coffee"
  5. "Area Woman's 'I'm Not A Morning Person' Excuse Falls Flat After 3rd Alarm Clock"

Articles:

  1. "Nation Horrified By Graphic Video Of Politician Keeping Campaign Promise" - A shocking video has surfaced showing a politician actually following through on a campaign promise, leaving many Americans in a state of utter disbelief.
  2. "Area Man Still Unable To Find Meaning In Life Despite Having 3.5 Million Followers On Social Media" - Despite having a massive online following, a local man has confessed to still feeling empty and unfulfilled, leaving experts baffled.
  3. "New Study Reveals Most People Would Rather Eat A Whole Jar Of Wasabi Than Attend A Family Reunion" - A recent study has found that a staggering 9 out of 10 people would rather endure the fiery wrath of wasabi than sit through a family reunion.
  4. "Local Man's 'I'm Not A Morning Person' Excuse Falls Flat After 12th Cup Of Coffee" - A man's attempt to use his "I'm not a morning person" excuse to get out of work was foiled when he was seen downing his 12th cup of coffee of the day.
  5. "Area Woman's 'I'm Not A Morning Person' Excuse Falls Flat After 3rd Alarm Clock" - A woman's claim that she's not a morning person was met with skepticism after she was seen hitting the snooze button for the third time.

These are just a few of the many hilarious and satirical articles published by The Onion today.