Endtime news update

I'm happy to provide you with a humorous take on an "endtime news update"! Keep in mind that this is purely fictional and not meant to be taken seriously.

Breaking News: The Apocalypse is Nigh!

Date: March 30, 2023

In a shocking turn of events, the world has finally reached the brink of destruction. According to sources, the end of times is imminent, and humanity is on the verge of extinction.

Top Stories:

1. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Have Been Spotted: Eyewitnesses report seeing War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death riding into town on horseback, causing widespread panic and destruction.
2. The Rapture Has Been Postponed (Again): In a surprise move, God has announced that the Rapture will no longer be taking place today, citing "technical difficulties" and "a few more souls to collect."
3. The Antichrist Has Been Identified: A mysterious figure, known only as "The Guy in the Black Suit," has been identified as the Antichrist. He's been spotted sipping lattes and checking his phone, seemingly unbothered by the impending doom.
4. The Book of Revelation Has Been Found: A team of archaeologists has discovered a long-lost copy of the Book of Revelation, which contains the secrets of the end times. Unfortunately, it's written in ancient Greek, and no one can decipher it.
5. The World's Last Pizza Has Been Eaten: In a bizarre incident, a group of survivors has devoured the world's last remaining pizza, leaving humanity with nothing but a lingering sense of regret and a craving for cheese.

Weather Forecast:

• Global destruction and chaos expected to continue throughout the day.
• A 100% chance of fire and brimstone.
• Temperatures to rise to "apocalyptic" levels.

Stock Market Update:

• The Dow Jones has plummeted to an all-time low, with investors fleeing in terror.
• The value of gold has skyrocketed, as people scramble to hoard precious metals.
• The value of "I told you so" has reached an all-time high.

Sports Update:

• The Apocalypse has been declared the winner of the "End of the World" tournament, defeating "Climate Change" and "Pandemics" in the semifinals.
• The "Last Game of Chess" has been postponed indefinitely, as the players have all been consumed by the Four Horsemen.

In Other News:

• The world's last remaining cat has been spotted hiding under a bed, refusing to come out until the apocalypse is over.
• The world's last remaining dog has been seen chasing its tail, seemingly unaware of the impending doom.
• The world's last remaining human has been spotted crying in a corner, wondering what could have been done differently.

Stay tuned for further updates on the end of the world!