End times breaking news today

I'm happy to provide you with some humorous and fictional "end times" breaking news! Keep in mind that these are just made-up stories and not actual news.

BREAKING NEWS

END TIMES ALERT:

"The Apocalypse Has Been Delayed... Again"

In a shocking turn of events, the long-awaited end of the world has been pushed back to next Thursday at 3:14 PM EST. Sources close to the Antichrist confirm that the delay is due to a last-minute software update to the Apocalypse 2.0 operating system.

"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are Running Late"

The Four Horsemen of War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death have announced that they will be arriving 15 minutes late to the end of the world due to a traffic jam on the Highway to Hell. "We're doing our best to get here on time, but the traffic is just terrible," said War, the lead Horseman.

"The Rapture Has Been Postponed... Again"

In a surprise move, God has announced that the Rapture has been postponed indefinitely due to a scheduling conflict with the Olympics. "We apologize for the inconvenience, but we need to reschedule the Rapture for a later date," said a spokesperson for the Almighty.

"The Zombie Apocalypse Has Been Canceled"

In a shocking turn of events, the Zombie Apocalypse has been canceled due to a lack of interest. "We just couldn't get anyone to show up," said a spokesperson for the Zombie Union. "We're considering a refund for all the brains we bought."

"The End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fine)"

In a bizarre twist, the end of the world has been replaced with a giant party. "We're just going to keep the music playing and the snacks flowing," said a spokesperson for the Apocalypse Party Committee. "Who needs the end of the world when you can have a good time?"

Stay tuned for further updates on the end of the world... or not!